At last! The phone "app" (short for application, like on your computer) that will make me MILLION$$$

Okay, so we have a ceiling fan in the kitchen (3 speed) and one in the bedroom (5 speed). Powering these all the way down, when, in one's dotage, one doesn't remember which runs at which speed, is a pain in th' ass. I have actually spent more years than I have been alive standing there watching to see that the fan has stopped, or, worse, having it at the stopped chain-pull and anxiously, panickedly pulling the chain again on accident thus setting the entire horrific process in motion again (and we've only lived there two years)!

Okay, so, phone app: hold your phone up to the fan as if it were StarMaps. This app will tell you:

1. How many speeds are on that particular fan

2. What speed it's on now

3. How many tugs of the chain it will take to power it completely off

Plus! Most apps are about .99 or 2.99. This one will cost $30,000, and be a bargain at thirty times the price!

Stuff Finder (get on this) [returned post]

I don't mind looking on ebay for shit, terribly - but I never find what I want. Like my green plaid J Crew shirt from 1989 that was stolen or that first book on Greek myths with irrecapturable title that Mrs Schelling had in my 2nd grade class...so, since you are just sitting around reading this, why not instead come up with a service that finds stuff for you, preferably for free/cheap. Better yet, I will take a chip in the head and surrender certain rights (whichever) for version 4.0 or what have you, wherein all I have to do is think of/remember something that I want need and it comes to the house.

Thanks.

2001: An Alarm Clock

Nope, not a post to doggedly chasten folks about how the year 2001 turned out to be a warning shot for all the coming horrors; not at all! That's played, dawg.

Was just thinking that someone (you?) needs to manufacture an alarm clock in the shape of the monolith from the movie. Then it can emit that piercing shriek that has all the hungover moonmen holding their ears, as the alarm tone.

Of course, in keeping with the matte blackness* and elegant inpenetrable contours of said plinth, you couldn't really have a face on it, or buttons or switches. But leave that to the boys and girls in design!

* Matt Blackness is a new alias for me! Along with Manuel Windows, when I am doing South American reconnaissance.