"You wanted the best and you got two original dudes, a session drummer and Ace's old guitar tech!"

Here is the cover of the new only-at-Walmart KISS album!:

And here are the track titles, and what speculative early word says they may contain/be about:

1.) Modern Day Delilah - is Gene's sexy wig tech (there has to be one!) putting saltpeter in his oats, or is it just age?

2.) Russian Roulette - a metaphor for how every KISS fan is taking his/her life in their hands every time they buy any record post-1980! In SONG!

3.) Never Enough - A cover of the 1990 Cure song!

4.) Yes, I Know (Nobody's Perfect) - Gene makes it up to Shannon in this "I love you, babe" number. Cue strings!

5.) Stand - A hat-tip to those roadies who manage to get Gene'n'Paul upright every damn night! Excuse me, "nite!"

6.) Hot and Cold - Sample lyric: "Girl, your love goes hot and cold/rock and roll will never get old." Probably!

7.) All the Glory - You know, these guys have been at it since the early seventies, but all the glory is yours, the fans. You know it is! So hold your head high as you deliver that Papa John's!

8.) Danger Us - a think-piece of a number about how the erosion of personal freedom has lead to a realization that, in many ways, we have become our own worst enemies. With verse about the Rosenbergs!

9.) I'm An Animal - New "Ace" Tommy Thayer steps up and hits it out of the park with this mini-rock opera (tm) in four minutes and forty seconds, wherein he tells the whole story of Mark St John's brief tenure as New "Ace" circa the 80's KISS LP "Animalize." "Yeah, my hand's swelled awful big/but I got somethin' bigger..."

10.) When Lightning Strikes - new Catman Eric Singer (almost typed Eric Carmen!) does the "Beth" thing right with this show-stopping ballad with "boating safety" theme!

11). Say Yah - closest to my heart, the superstars finally address that whole "yeah = yes/yay! = hooray/yah = ja or 'yes' in German" issue that haunts my thoughts and dreams. I hear there's also a bonus track called "(Use Your Goddam) Turn Signal." Maybe not, but I can dream, and dream big, just like Gene, Paul and KISS!

Get out and get this Oct 6 at Walmart while you're buying your Dr Thunder and some lettuce!

GOOD GRAVY!

The friends who try to keep Griz, the Cat of the Apartment Courtyard? They are toying with getting this kid!:

I'm going to leave here, drive right to Chicago and make this happen!

I wanna call her L'il Esther Price!

For God's sake, DO SOMETHING!

Did not know

Buddy Glass's first name is Webb!

"When was the last time a fan set YOU on fire?"

A challenge to our [?] readership: this coming weekend, get on youtube and watch a whole season of Footballers' Wive$.*

Then try to not cop the following lingual tics from the men and women thereon:


Men: mushmouth cockney, which will have you saying "Will you go wiv me to the grocery?"

Women: an over-affected Northern accent, as in "It's all going to be allreet!"


Also, just try not to realize that Tanya Turner, as played by the amazing Zoe Lucker, IS THE MOST POWERFUL WOMAN WHO EVER LIVED!

As I say, try this! And GOOD LUCK!

* Yes, the dollar sign is in the logo. But should not the l's be pound symbols? Or, hotter, should it not have started that way (pounds), andthen, by season 5 (2006), the "e" in Footballers' - should it not have been a euro symbol? And if I ever manage to break into some super-secret gubmint facility in the Adirondacks where time travel is being perfected, should I not go back in time and fix these errors, on behalf of YOU, the aggrieved?

Today's neck-tattoo thing

Just got my tire replaced, finally, after last week's near-disaster. Tried to get it done Friday at a mom-n-pop shithole recommended by two fine individuals. Sadly, they didn't have the right tire for my Swedish travesty of a car. I grinned sheepishly and shuffled my feet in the presence of two Real Dudes who would snap my neck for bein' a pussy. As I was leaving, I noticed the shorter of the two had a done-with-a-compass, maybe-and-ink neck "design" that read:

110%
HONKIE

[sic].

Bring on the H1N1!

Band Most Likely To Found in the trunk of a Trabant at the bottom of the Neva

These Russian maniacs called, wait, lemme look, PTVP, have the straight-out-the-pig-iron-smelter cojones to call Putin a "dictator." Dude in the glasses also bravely flaunts a 2003-ish electroclash stylee, but I digress!

Here are some lyrics!

Don't listen to anything/

he always lies to you!/

Putin! Putin! Putin!

A pig will find filth anywhere!

Awright! Doesn't really rhyme or anything, but neither did "the Cambridge Ladies."

Plus their name is not Russian for HPV, as you assumed. It's an acronym for Last Tanks in Paris, which is shit-hot!

I've completely changed my opinion on these cats since I started typing this! Mail them a copy of Frankenchrist before it's too late!

From the mouth of an old babe

(my 82-year old mom, sitting waiting for doctor's appointment, while watching a story on the troubles of Rick Pitino on CNN whatever with Robin Meade [Headline News?]):

Oh...he had a ho!

This sort of competes with when I was asked, ca. 1998, "What is a booty call?"

THE FRAN!!!