Gerna have to drive one of these here

Supposed to get a bunch of snow - I heard even mebbe eight inches!

If that happens, I'm going to the goddam Pine Club.

AND I may have to drive one of these: it's a train track snow-clearer! Didn't even know such a beast existed!

Stupid Three-Question Interview: Mary Fecteau

Miss Mary Fecteau shared an office with the Bride for a couple of years. She is a television producer and lives with her cat Edie "Purr" Fecteau.

1. As a transplant [originally from Rhode Island, "the Luxembourg of the Americas," Mary lost a full 80% of people she'd ever met in the Great White fire of whenever], what's the weirdest thing you've seen in D_____?

Two hours after my father and I arrived in town, we decided to walk around downtown and explore my new neighborhood. I believe we were over by Wimpy Burger when this fat kid with Down's syndrome walks toward us and yells "HEY BAABY HEY BAABY WASSUP???'

My dad and I were stunned. Then he said something like "Let's go ova to ma house and you kin make me sum breakfast."

I couldn't tell if he was talking to me or my dad. I think he was wearing a Bengals jersey [one team I'm certain is not in the Superbowl! - ed]. Every time I tell this story some smart ass always asks: "Well, did you make him breakfast?" No, I didn't. [not then, anyway - ed]

2. At what point did Steven Spielberg lose it?

I had to check IMDB to confirm this, but, to be completely honest, I haven't actually liked a Spielberg film since Jaws. It feels refreshing to admit that, but I'm pretty sure I've been pretending to like the Indiana Jones series since I was a toddler. But, for most people, I think the consensus would be he lost it before AI.

3. Suppose women grew facial hair in the same manner as men. What sort of facial hair would you like to try?

It's easier to imagine myself as a guy tahn to imagine a world where female facial hair is common and accepted. I'll have to reframe your question. I think, if I were a guy, I'd want to try a pencil mustache.

Thanks, Mary!

Love/hate

I aim for a sort of fresh banality around here, one that runs along a Jeff Koons/Bret Ellis axis. Had you noticed? Time not wasted is time wasted, is my motto. Hey! I just made that up!

Anyway, Gawker had this pic of some drones working on a "new" Koons painting:

Now, my first thought was "Betty Page? Really?" Who CARES? Along with the fact that he's already done Popeye (pointlessly) into the ground and the dolphin thing was, what, 2002? I hate it!

But then I take a step back, pause in my venting and realize, No, he's just getting more and more frivolous and that is the point! Compositionally it's as uninteresting as a gift bag. Brill!

Bonus points to the guy wearing my friend Joe's mom's coat from the 80's.

Petit mortis!

A correspondent forwards this sweater, with the observation that I need it. I sorta do, actually. But it's only available in France? Mon dieu!

Still no Superbowl clue, Day 2!

I have still not overheard or seen any info on who the Colts play in the Superbowl! If it's the Colts, of which I'm about 90% sure. I have not been going to extreme lengths to avoid the answer, either!

If there are no updates, it will be because I am so very rich

We have these weird pillows/pillow covers called "shams." Have you heard of this? We didn't have this kind of shit in my kidhood. They aren't pillows one uses - they are sort of decorative pillows that sit on top of the real pillows when a duvet cover is pulled up? I think? Anyway, when in bed, there's no place to put these stupid-ass things: one has to pick them up, then look around for a place for them. I quickly get hot and panicky when this happens. SO, I have invented a stand called a "sham stand"* for when you go to bed at night...the shams can be put on this! Three flavors:

a. with a radio in it

b. with a wireless router

c. "blue"

* here in the midwest we call them "sham stands." But in the UK they are/will be pronounced like "shamstnd."

Strange purgatory

That campaign that Domino's has going, where they apologize for how terrible their product is? I watched the whole three minute shebang on Gawker a while back and something has continued to nag at me...the people in the test kitchen, right? What do they do all day when they are not changing the whole recipe? One guy says (if memory serves) "I've been here 24 years [!] and to be told that our pizza blows..." blah blah - but, other than a day or so a week where someone from marketing (those assholes!) might say "Hey! We should have pizza macaroni sticks!" and someone draws the short straw and has to make these up, what do they do all the time? Portraits in pizza? "Look! This looks like Willie Mays!" "I've arranged these wings to look like Betsy Ross!" Or, are they just saddled with some Sisiphyean (sp, but whatever) labor of constantly making pizzas which are then taken out of the oven at the last minute by some Cyclopean/cerberus-like creature who then throws the pie in the office park yard to some (displeased) raccoons?

Or what?