Fictional character I'D like to punch?

In my imagination, some magazine, such as Paris Review (or possibly Elle), with Updike dead, wrote to me to solicit a paragraph on the topic above.  Here's what would I imagine I wrote:

Print is dead, or so I am told at every nocturnal turning.  So I will spare you a meaningless listing of paper personages who roust my ire.  No, of all the many fictional personages who roam the imagination, it is Gossip Girl eminence gross Rufus Humphrey I would like most to find at the end of my feeble swing.  Whether plaintively plucking a D chord, clammily hectoring his poor kids (but with understanding) or generally being a pain in the ass to his wife who has real problems, this simp needs to be curbstomped: maybe the pressure of a steel-toed boot would do something in the way of forcing him to decide on a hairstyle.